Sing a Song of South Park
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: A collection of songs and parodies from Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and more. The following lyrics contain coarse language and due to their content should not be read by anyone.
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

Welcome to "Sing a Song of South Park," a little place for musical South Park fun. I plan on adding original lyrics and parodies, standalone lyrics and descriptive musical numbers. This is intended to be permanently a work in progress, since there is no continuity between the musical numbers.

**2. "Christmas Break"** (Performed by Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Charlie)  
><strong>3. "Bringing Christmas to the Jews"<strong> (Performed by Charlie)  
><strong>4. "A Letter to Saint Nicholas"<strong> (Lyrics only; Performed by Cartman)  
><strong>5. "Kevin Strikes Back (Kevin vs. Cartman)"<strong> (Performed by Kevin Stoley with an appearance by Cartman)  
><strong>6. "Air Rifle"<strong> (Performed by Kenny McCormick)

Feel free to comment with suggestions!** I'll take requests** for songs to parody, characters to include, or both. Thanks for stopping by!

-Threadbare  
><em>Last update: 1213/12_


	2. Christmas Break

**"Christmas Break"**  
><em>(To the tune of "Jingle Bells")<em>

_The bell rings at South Park Elementary, and students flood out of the school. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Charlie run down the street. Festive lights decorate the trees, and snow is falling down. Music starts up and the group starts to sing._

_First verse_

**Stan:** I just got out of school for the next two weeks!

**Cartman:** No more Pip or Craig! No more Clyde or Tweek!

**Kyle:** The snow is falling down. It's covering the ground.

**Cartman:** Well, what a fucking miracle to see that in this town.

_Refrain_

**All:** Oh, Christmas break! Christmas break!

**Cartman:** It's so freaking cool!

**Kenny:** (I just want an easy broad to stick my boner into!)

**All:** Christmas break! Christmas break! Best time of the year!

**Cartman:** And if you call it "winter break" you're probably a queer!

_Second Verse_

**Stan:** Third grade really sucks. We read and write and learn.

**Charlie:** We have to stand in line and always wait our turn.

**Kyle:** But every single year, we get a little break.

**Kenny:** (Ma'am, I like your boobies. I don't care if they are fake.)

_Refrain_

**All:** Oh, Christmas break! Christmas break!

**Cartman:** Hanukkah is lame! / Driedels are for pussy Jews and every night's the saa-ame!

**All:** Christmas break! Christmas break!

**Kyle:** Cartman's fucking fat! / His mom's a stupid crack whore slut and I could kick his ass!

_Now they talk, with music still playing in the background._

**Cartman:** No you couldn't, Kyle.

**Kyle:** Sure I could. You're so goddamn fat that the only way you could possibly hurt me is by sitting on me.

**Cartman**: I'm not fat! I'm big boned! And Hanukkah sucks ass!

**Kyle**: Hanukkah does not suck, and the only thing bigger than your ass is your ego, you prick!

**Stan** (to Kenny and Charlie): How come every time we try to sing a pleasant song these two have to go and ruin it?

**Charlie**: I don't know.

**Stan**: Let's just sing without them.

**Kenny**: (Yeah, fuck those guys.)

_They walk away from where Cartman and Kyle are yelling._

_Third verse_

**Charlie:** I'll go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap / To tell him I've been good, and all that other crap.

**Stan:** Have Church on Christmas Eve and say all of my prayers / [_To Charlie_] But on Christmas morning I will beat you down the stairs!

_Refrain_

**All three:** Christmas break! Christmas break! Now it's fin'ly here!

**Kenny:** (Bloody Marys, eggnog, coke and rum, and gin, and bee-eer!)

**All three:** Christmas break! Christmas break!

**Cartman** (jumping in): Hanukkah is dumb!

**All but Kyle:** Now we've started Christmas break, so [_holding notes longer_] Christmas here we come!

**Kyle** (while the others hold the word "come"): Oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay!

_Fin._


	3. Bringing Christmas to the Jews

_Cartman and Becca have returned to the Cartman home after sledding. As Becca sits on the couch with hot cocoa and watches a Christmas special on TV, Cartman approaches his mother in the kitchen. Liane is cooking something in a large pot on the stove._

Cartman (in a sugary-sweet voice): Moooom?

Liane: Yes, boopsykins?

Cartman: What are you getting Becca for Christmas?

Liane: Oh, Eric! I can't tell you that! You might spoil the surprise for her!

Cartman: Are you gonna take her to see her baby brother?

Liane: Oh…no, Eric, I wasn't planning on anything like that.

Cartman: Well…Becca says that's the kind of present she really really wants, and since that's her only Christmas wish this year, I was hoping we could maybe work out some sort of arrangement, so that she gets to see the baby at his foster parents' house, and, uh, any money you were planning on spending on Christmas presents for her could just be, ahem, reallocated towards Christmas presents for me.

Liane: Oh, I'm sorry, snookums, but we can't do anything like that.

Cartman: Wha—Why not?

Liane: Well, you see, Eric, Becca's little brother has been…well…adopted.

Cartman (looking rather shocked): …What? Adopted?

Liane: Yes… [She sighs.] I hadn't said anything because the Marshes and I agreed it would be best not to tell his sisters yet. They've gone through a lot of trauma already.

Cartman: Well, I guess this means it's time to tell them and take Becca to see the kid at his adoptive parents' house then! It's a harsh world; the kid's gotta toughen up.

Liane: Eric, listen to me, sweetheart: Davy's new parents would really rather that his sisters not see him.

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Liane: Eric, it's their decision! I know you're worried about little Becca's feelings, boopsykins, but I'm afraid that this is just not going to happen.

Cartman: …But _Maaaaeeeehhmmmm_!

_Liane chooses to ignore him. Cartman stomps away, mumbling angrily to himself._

* * *

><p><em>At the Marsh house, Sharon is in the kitchen stirring a pot on the stove. Charlie walks into the kitchen behind her. She's determined to figure this whole Jews-not-getting-Christmas thing out.<em>

Charlie: Mrs. Marsh?

Sharon (stirring): Yes, dear?

Charlie: Why doesn't Kyle have Christmas?

Sharon: Well, because he's Jewish, Charlie. Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.

Charlie: I already _know_ that! But it's not fair! Everybody should get to have Christmas.

Sharon: Kyle gets to have Hanukkah instead.

Charlie: But Hanukkah totally sucks. Christmas is way more fun. Why can't Jewish people have fun like us?

Sharon (in a tone indicating that this is her final answer): That's just the way it works, sweetie.

Charlie: Oh. Okay.

_Charlie sighs and walks out of the room, looking down with her hands in her pockets. She goes up to the window at the front of the Marsh house. She puts her elbows on the sill and rests her head on her hands. Outside, there are kids playing in the snow, Christmas lights blinking, and wreaths adorning the streetlights. Charlie sighs as an acoustic guitar begins to play._

Charlie (singing): Out my window, I can see it's Christmastime again  
>But it's hard to feel merry when my friend cannot join in<br>Santa passes his house even though he visits mine  
>Just because he's Jewish, why can't he have Christmastime?<p>

_Charlie goes outside with her hands in her pockets. As she walks down the street, she passes Pip and the other carolers, and keeps walking. The music becomes more lighthearted, with a light drum beat and piano._

Charlie (singing): Christmas is the best time of the whole entire year  
>[She passes lawn reindeer lawn ornaments] Getting awesome presents brought by Santa and his reindeer<br>[She stops outside the Broflovski house, where a menorah glows in the window with one candle lit.] I know that he's got Hanukkah, but it's a little lame...  
>So wouldn't it be nice of us to share our holiday?<p>

_She runs into the street with a large grin and sings loudly to everyone she passes._

Charlie (singing): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews  
>Everybody spread the news!<br>It won't matter if you're Christian  
>On my Christmas-spirit mission<br>It's the best time of the year  
>So let's spread some Christmas cheer<br>Let's get ready 'cause there's no time to lose...!  
>I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews!<p>

_Charlie stands in the kitchen with a random woman, who pulls a ham out of the oven. Charlie shakes her head and dumps it in the garbage. The woman looks disappointed. Charlie now appears in a green pasture with cows._

Charlie (singing): Time to throw that ham out, [a rancher with a rifle walks up and aims at a cow] and before you kill the cow  
>Make sure you're with a rabbi. [The rabbi from the synagogue walks up.] Great! The beef is kosher now!<br>[Charlie again goes through the streets of South Park.] Sing it in the streets and make sure everybody hears it  
>[She stands at the pulpit at the synagogue.] Sing it in the synagogue! Let's spread some Christmas spirit!<p>

_She runs down the aisle of the synagogue. The worshipers stare at her as she prances down the aisle, baffled. Outside, she appears to have gained a small following of townspeople._

Charlie (singing): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews  
>Everybody spread the news<br>Bring a new list to the grocer  
>'Cause we're making Christmas kosher<br>[Charlie and her group toss presents to a group of confused Jewish children standing outside the synagogue.] Spread a little Christmas joy  
>To the Jewish girls and boys<br>Let's get ready 'cause there's no time to lose...!

_The Jews in the synagogue appear to concede to the song. Now, a large group follows Charlie as she marches down the street._

Charlie (singing): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews  
>Everybody spread the news<br>This is my Jewish Christmas song  
>Everybody sing along!<p>

All (singing, sounding vaguely like a gospel choir): We're bringing Christmas to the Jews  
>Everybody spread the news<br>[A woman fries latkes in a pan.] Get those latkes in the fryer  
>[A group of people adorn City Hall with lights.] Hang the lights a little higher<br>[A mall Santa is approached.] Santa, hurry, pack the sleigh!  
>You've got some extra stops to make<br>It won't matter if you're gentile or Hebrew...  
>We're bringing Christmas to the Jews!<p>

_The music slows down and becomes quieter. As the crowd marches on, Charlie stops once again in front of the Broflovski house, wearing a baseball cap with the Star of David and holding a thick packet of fliers entitled "KOSHER CHRISTMAS"._

Charlie (singing softly): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews.

_The music and the song end with Charlie smiling to herself. Cartman walks up, looking pissed and bewildered, head tilted in disbelief._

Cartman: You…You really want to ruin Christmas? You fucking….asshole.

_He spits in her face and walks away. Charlie stares after him with a slightly surprised expression. Once he's gone, she looks up at the heavens. While some time has progressed since the beginning of the song—the Broflovski's menorah now has three candles lit—it is once again the evening. Charlie sighs while looking upward._

Charlie: Jehovah, I too now stand in the ranks of your martyrs.

_She walks up to the Broflovski door and rings the bell. Inside, Sheila glances out the window and sees her._

Sheila: Kyle! That strange little girl you play with is at the door!

_Sheila disappears into the kitchen as Kyle emerges from upstairs, peeking out the window to verify the identity of the "strange little girl." He then opens the door. Charlie grins at him, standing upright and confident, conducting herself almost as a salesperson._

Charlie: _Shalom!*_

_Kyle, hand still on the handle of his door, stares at her in bewilderment for several seconds. Charlie continues grinning._

Kyle: Uh… hi.

Charlie: Are you aware that there are over thirteen million Jews worldwide, and that almost all of them report a non-receipt of Christmas presents from Santa, regardless of their behavior?

_Kyle again pauses for a moment, even more baffled._

Kyle: …Yes.

Charlie: In addition, a recent survey shows that over eighty percent of Jewish American children feel isolated from their peers during the Christmas season.

Kyle: …Yeah, I'd believe that.

_As Charlie continues speaking, we now get a view of Gerald, who is reading a newspaper on the couch in the Broflovski home. Charlie's voice can be heard._

Charlie (out of view): Well, to combat this rampant anti-Semitism [Gerald looks up] that's disparaging the basic human rights of Jews across the country and around the world [Gerald drops his newspaper and walks to the doorway, standing behind Kyle] I've founded the Kosher—

Gerald: What's this about anti-Semitism?

_He steps forward as Charlie hands him a flyer. Kyle stares at his dad blankly._

Charlie: Mr. Broflovski, on behalf of the Kosher Christmas Organization and gentile peoples everywhere, I would like to personally apologize to you and your family for the years of yuletide gaiety you've missed out on.

_Gerald glances over the flyer for a moment before looking at Charlie._

Gerald: Charlie, Jews don't celebrate Christmas.

Charlie (rhetorically): But why not?

_Gerald cocks his head slightly as if this statement was rather thought provoking. Behind him, Kyle sees his expression and sighs._

Charlie: For two thousand years, Jewish people have been stigmatized, ostracized, stereotyped, and left out of the greatest annual celebration in the history of mankind. It's wrong, Mr. Broflovski, and my organization, Kosher Christmas, aims to change all that by synthesizing traditional Christmas rituals and celebrations with the Hebrew faith. Can you see it, Mr. Broflovski? [Gerald stares at her, mouth slightly open, with an expression of deep thought and emotion.] Just picture it… A Christmas tree, topped with a Star of David.

Gerald: …That…sounds…beautiful.

Charlie: It sure does, Mr. Broflovski. It sure does.

_Kyle, still standing behind Gerald, groans and slaps his forehead._


	4. A Letter to Saint Nicholas

**A Letter to St. Nicholas**  
><em>To the tune of "Jolly Old St. Nicholas"<em>  
><em>Performed by Eric Cartman <em>

_Cartman writes a letter to Santa, and he isn't fucking around._

Jolly Old St. Nicholas, lean your ear this way  
>Don't you tell a single soul what I'm going to say<br>Your reindeer are my prisoners, but if you play it right  
>You can have your reindeer back in time for Christmas night<p>

I would like some X-Box games and some Christmas pie  
>And I'd like a sleigh like yours—one that really flies<br>And I want the nicest desk of all the kids at school  
>And I'd like a mountain bike, plus a backyard pool<p>

Cheesy Poofs and Oreos to last me for a year  
>Forge a note from Kyle to Stan so people think he's queer<br>And a new convertible, and a puppy dog,  
>And I'd like a king-sized bed for me and my Clyde Frog<p>

That's the list of my demands; I hope it finds you well  
>I'll pop a cap in Rudolph's brain if I don't get it all<br>Make sure you do not give Stan a damn thing on this list  
>Kyle and Stan can suck my ass; I really hate those kids<p> 


	5. Kevin Strikes Back

**Kevin Strikes Back**  
><em>Performed by Star Wars enthusiast Kevin Stoley <em>

_Kevin Stoley crouches behind a tree in the local park. Dressed in Jedi robes and gloves, he peers into the distance and puts a hand on the lightsaber in his belt. The heroic Star Wars theme music begins to play, and Kevin sings a song to the tune as he leaps to his feet and wields his lightsaber with the level of skill that must have taken hours of practice._

**Kevin** (singing to the _Star Wars _theme): I am a Jedi fighting the bad guys! [He battles a tree with his light-saber.] With Han Solo on my side, I'll always win! / [Kevin takes off running, lightsaber still in hand.] Storm Troopers chase me across the galaxy! / Chewbacca will fly with me to the galaxy's end!

_Kevin begins to vocalize the music's percussion. He does a spinning jump and whacks a tree [which he imagines to be a battle droid] on the side with his lightsaber. He smiles slyly as he looks over his other shoulder and imagines a battalion of Storm Troopers. Using the awesome mental power of the force, he shuts his eyes and holds his hands out, knocking out the Storm Troopers (which we now see are kindergarteners obliviously playing in the sandbox) where they stand. He takes a deep breath, makes drumming sounds with his mouth and tongue, then continues his song as he bounds across the park, swinging his lightsaber with joyful abandon._

**Kevin:** I am a trainee for the Rebel Army! / I'm learning quickly! I'm moving fast! / So, now, Darth Vader, don't be a hater! / Taste my lightsaber! I'll kick your ass!

_After one final bound, Kevin lands back by the tree he started at and crouches down, surveying the scene in front of him. The mood suddenly changes when the uplifting music is replaced by the sinister Darth Vader theme. Jedi Kevin freezes as a shadow pours over him from behind. Turning around, he sees that Eric Cartman is standing behind him with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face._

**Cartman** (speaking): Uh, what are you doing, Kevin?

**Kevin** (speaking): …Nothing.

_The music stops._

**Cartman:** Are you playing Star Wars? By yourself? …In public?

**Kevin:** …No.

**Cartman:** Pffh. Yeah, right. You're such a fucking dork, Kevin.

**Kevin** (irritated): Shut up.

**Cartman:** If you're going to be a total nerd in public, you should at least be a little more subtle about it.

**Kevin** (standing upright and powering up his light saber): I'm warning you, Cartman! If I hit you with this, it'll fricking sting.

**Cartman** (rolling his eyes and walking away): What a loser.

_Kevin glares after him for about five seconds._

**Cartman** (shouting back at him): And by the way Kevin? Luke Skywalker is a total pussy.

_That's the final straw for Kevin. He springs into action and the Star Wars theme starts up again._

**Kevin** (singing and running up to Cartman): I will destroy you if you dare insult Luke! / I'll fucking kill you! I'll kick your ass! [Now he's reached Cartman. He wails on him with his lightsaber as he sings. Cartman yells at him (along the lines of "The FUCK, Kevin?") all the while.] Next thing that I know, you'll rip on Han Solo! / How could you stoop so low? Have you no class?

_The music reaches its climax and abruptly stops. A bird chirps in the distance as Kevin continues to hit Cartman with his lightsaber._

**Kevin** (speaking): You fat! Fucking! Shit!

**Cartman** (protecting his face): Jesus Christ, Kevin! I didn't mean it! Cut it out, asshole!

**Kevin** (hitting him with each word): Don't! Ever! Insult! Luke! Skywalker! Again!

_FIN_


	6. Air Rifle

**"Air Rifle"  
><strong>_Performed by Kenny McCormick  
>To the tune of "White Christmas"<em>

_Kenny walks glumly down the street in the afternoon. The setting grows dimmer and more desolate as soft music begins to play. Kenny, his voice fully muffled, begins to sing._

**Kenny:** (I'm dreaming of an air rifle  
>Just like I saw on my TV…<br>With a long barrel  
>I have an Aunt Cheryl<br>And you can't tell what I'm say-ing…)

_A spotlight shines over Kenny and he gestures dramatically with his arms._

**Kenny:** (I'm dreaming of an air rifle  
>I'm also dreaming of big tits<br>My dick's so big it ha-ardly fits!  
>Your vagina's one skinny little bitch…)<p>

[_Key change_]

**Kenny:** (I'm dreaming of an air rifle  
>I wish that I was seventeen!<br>When I get older  
>I'll get bolder<br>And start sleeping with chicks!)

**Kenny:** (I'm dreaming of Mila Kunis  
>With every wink I sleep at night!<br>May your boobs be perky and bright!)

_The light instantaneously returns to normal. Kenny is standing in the middle of the street with his arms outstretched. Numerous children and adults are staring at him with expressions of confusion. Kenny lets out a nervous laugh, then finishes, the music joining him._

**Kenny:** (…And may all your Christmases be white…)

_Kenny bows, then hurries away. One man claps awkwardly, but isn't joined, so he stops._


End file.
